everythinggoodisgone.com

8.11.02

i am a function not only of my addictions, but my routines. without a fairly strict pattern to my days, i am scattered, frustrated, & confused regarding just about everything. the patterns of my weeks, my days, even my hours is critical to my mental health. without a "regular" coffee house, a "regular" breakfast joint / muffin shop / bagel store, my mornings are disjointed and focused primarily on trying to find that "regular" place as soon as possible.

my paths through cities vary only in which side of the street i choose to walk down - & that is always the most efficient for the moment.

having this structure allows me to avoid having to think about the "details" of transportation, food, social interaction, &c. it allows me to focus instead on _other things_. what those are changes pretty regularly, but involves a lot of reading & rambling thoughts inside my head. & it allows me the luxury of avoiding the everyday while at the same time making it ubiquitous, present in every action & reaction, an obsessively constructed domino thingy, pushed down in the same place every morning & painstakingly reconstructed every evening.

the big problem is that i have an absolutely a-okay lovely time if i don't think about all the overhanging bullshit in my life right now. as soon as i allow myself [or force myself, for that matter] to ponder my function - what i am doing, & why - i enter dangerous territory.

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