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google search of the day:
www.google.com/search?q=escapism dressing up&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=20&sa=N

i've been taking a bit of a break from writing on here recently.

it has a lot to do with the inherent confusion of public/private space that happens with something like this...that is - i write here. someone reads it, maybe. what happens if that someone is in fact mentioned [no matter how vaguely] in one of my posts, & i say something not so nice, flattering, or even just mildly critical? or even something which i think is a compliment but isn't? or they're a co-worker & just shouldn't know that about my life. or a former lover who shouldn't know about the other things. or a relative, say a cousin or aunt or something.

then again, it is so cathartic & most of the time no one reads it. so it's like a diary, with a public audience who doesn't know me. so in reality i should feel comfortable spilling my guts about all my insecurities, awkwardnesses & weird interactions, b/c the actual probability of someone i know reading this shit is fairly low.

but what if?

i suppose i could just not tell the people who shouldn't know about this about it. but if i do that, then they won't know at all. & every once in a while i write something vaguely interesting, right?

so instead of focusing on my nebulous & confused personal rants & raves, i've instead been forced by this "outlet" to write somewhat less personal, yet personal, pieces.

i can say things about my "friends" & what we do, but i don't want to mention names or locations out of paranoia. i can say things about who i work with & how i function in that environment, but not really rail or critique any of it [or me] for fear of a co-worker [or future employer] reading it.

i can say things about how i feel. but god forbid i use this as some sort of freudian "writing cure." that'd be dreadful. & probably not all that much fun to read.

& so i find myself thinking of other more vague [& somehow more specific] ways to express how & why i'm feeling the way i am. & in a way it means i'm expressing anger & frustration about & at things that either aren't really the cause or the effect of that anger/frustration/sadness/lonliness/&C.

hmmmm. it's a forced barrier between myself & the kind of expression i originally thought it would be. how fascinating...at least for me. which is of course the other issue of this kind of thing. do you pay attention to the mythical "reader," to their desires as an audience, or just ignore the whole concept?

which of course is the issue. is this for me, or you?

& it can hypothetically be for both of us. but only in a weird voyeuristic way, which isn't really voyeuristic at all because i know you're out there, or at least are supposed to be, & you know that i know. so that eliminates any bad faith weirdness which could result from this hypothetical private/public relationship whereby i write things, you read them, & that's pretty much it.

but it still makes me feel a little funny inside to really talk about myself here. & i think it's better that way...for now.

what an interesting week.

been reading lots of david foster wallace. i envy his fluency & general ability to oscillate wildly between theoretical pseudo-speak & vernacular...it's the hardest part about writing informed, somewhat intelligent-sounding pieces on media & culture: the balance between (1)the vocabulary you've been given by years of esoteric study, which suits this sort of specific & slightly ridiculous analysis perfectly and (2) the vocabulary you know other people outside a very small circle of academia use & understand. this is not intended as any sort of elitist or condescending comment - it's simply reality - like writing articles about astrophysics for the new york times...an author has an expertise, otherwise they [hopefully] wouldn't be writing that kind of article - & with expertise comes a somewhat exclusive vocabulary with which you become familiar through study & basic repetition [banging the books against your head can sometimes help too].

anyway. he has this totally great way of oscillating back & forth between these two planes in an entirely effortless sentence structure that i, well, envy.

have otherwise been riding the subways a lot,, trying to think & breathe before i speak [that's totally hard] & focus on the good with the bad, so i'm not entirely miserable [which is surprisingly easy].

learning more every day about myself, about other people, about this bizarre city...

had a job interview today. it went well. isn't that nice for me?! heh.

google search of the day:
www.google.com/search?q=definition of televisuality&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&start=10&sa=N

in regards to my post on "independent" film - an article from this weeks' LA Weekly.

my closest friend is 3,000 miles away & living with my parents. that's so weird. i've been going through a totally blarghy weird period, & he's been really really helpful - telling me all the things i don't want [but need] to hear... & i keep calling home [b/c his cell phone was on the fritz] & talking to him & hearing my parents in the background, which is just disjointed & odd.

have been very busy at work recently & suddenly things are sorta calm... we're releasing a movie this week, Interview with the Assassin. It's a good weird documentary-style feature about a possible second gunman. There have been lots of good reviews in the New York Press, as well as The Onion & some other "alternative" press sources.

It's weird when you start to see a new side to an industry that is not only itself media, but constantly portrayed on & through other forms of media. working for a film distributor [perhaps the least glamourous / most un-glamorous section of the film industry], i have learned a lot about the cogs / wheels that keep movies moving onwards & outwards into theaters across the country, the world - & i like these background people, the ones who rarely get the kudos or the respect for the work they do, the world they create... without them, there would be no movies to see. goodness. what an interesting concept.

we had a premiere on tuesday for the film - it was the most un-glamorous premiere _ever_, no big celebs or stars, just a screening & a wicked good party. but we all had fun. & now with the film coming out on friday, everyone has sorta done what they can to see it do as well as possible at the box office, at least for now. so all we can really do is wait & see what happens on monday when i call & get box office grosses.

there are so many little parts to this monster called the film business. so many little [& not so little] people keeping the whole thing afloat - as i suppose there are in _every_ industry. but for film, which has become the focus of not only films themselves but of television shows like Entertainment Tonight, sitcoms, or whatever, the "little people" don't get talked about very much... yet there really are some big little figures. & it's not just bloody harvey weinstein & the miramax posse... there are whole slews of "independent" distributors who are doing their damnest to keep a sort of anti-hollywood establishment, well, established. recently people have been writing lots of articles about how independent film is dead...

i disagree. wholeheartedly. it's different. things go through cycles of development, growth, & change. especially when they're "independent" - to maintain that fierce spirit, something has to break every once in a while...

anyway. not thinking all that clearly because there are so many other things on my mind, like being broke, tired, sick, & having to all of a sudden remember that the holidays are coming up & i better get my plane tickets if i plan on getting home.

Almost 60% of women would prefer to own a HDTV set than a 1-karat diamond ring, says a survey by the Consumer Electronics Association.

why? to watch football? which women? the ones who watch soaps & other daytime television? because as much as the additional texture / detail does wonderful things for certain shows or broadcasts, it has a dreadful side-effect which it makes makeup artists seem like heavy-handed house painters - the pancake _shows_ in the most unpleasant way...i can't imagine that the bold & the beautiful would actually look all that good in HD..........

then again - perhaps the added [un]reality of the makeup & other details which look even _more_ false in HD is some sort of effective reality filter for people - the obviousness of its "televisuality" emphasizes the fact that televisual reality is nothing even close to the "real" thing. i would think that would piss people off, making tv obviously non-real. then again...who knows? maybe in a post-post modern world where viewers always already know that [a large quantity of] television is "fake," the crispness & emphasis on the false presented by the possibility of HDTV is reassuring in its assertion of the assumed.

i am a function not only of my addictions, but my routines. without a fairly strict pattern to my days, i am scattered, frustrated, & confused regarding just about everything. the patterns of my weeks, my days, even my hours is critical to my mental health. without a "regular" coffee house, a "regular" breakfast joint / muffin shop / bagel store, my mornings are disjointed and focused primarily on trying to find that "regular" place as soon as possible.

my paths through cities vary only in which side of the street i choose to walk down - & that is always the most efficient for the moment.

having this structure allows me to avoid having to think about the "details" of transportation, food, social interaction, &c. it allows me to focus instead on _other things_. what those are changes pretty regularly, but involves a lot of reading & rambling thoughts inside my head. & it allows me the luxury of avoiding the everyday while at the same time making it ubiquitous, present in every action & reaction, an obsessively constructed domino thingy, pushed down in the same place every morning & painstakingly reconstructed every evening.

the big problem is that i have an absolutely a-okay lovely time if i don't think about all the overhanging bullshit in my life right now. as soon as i allow myself [or force myself, for that matter] to ponder my function - what i am doing, & why - i enter dangerous territory.


well, being that the GOP now has control of the house, senate, & presidency, the stock market keeps heading towards some hypothetical bottom which we just haven't reached yet, americans are being lambasted for their poor international policy, the environment is pretty well fucked, & the world in general is a bit bizarro, why should it come as any sort of shock that there are two documented cases of bubonic plague in new mexico?

i remember growing up in colorado the risk of the hanta virus - a similar disease carried by rodents - was cause to wear dust masks & use bleach when cleaning up mouse poop...but the bubonic plague? according to the above article, there are roughly 10 cases diagnosed each year, most in new mexico & the four-corners area [new mexico, colorado, arizona, utah]. would make sense then that it is often mistaken for the more common "four-corners disease" or hanta.

anyway. good thing we've got plenty of celebrities getting offed or caught shoplifting, so we can focus on the more important things in life - if we as american citizens stopped & thought about what else was going on, we might actually find cause for disturbance, depression, or even action.

speaking of action...i do find the present lack of vibrant &/or effective political protest to be slightly unnerving. i wonder if people are in fact concerned about being arrested or otherwise singled-out in this slightly hysterical moment in history? or if we're just lazy...

prema is: [according to googlism [thanks david]
prema is comfortable with desai
prema is a gift for industry
prema is very much comfortable working with desai
prema is not a transient state of mind or a temporary phenomenon
prema is his supreme divine commandant and prema is our supreme divine and proud heritage
prema is the very goal of human birth
prema is discernible as the sarvaantharyaami; therefore
prema is equal
prema is also pushing what some would call an aging process in a trailing
prema is to remind me not to get angry
prema is hero material these days
prema is more than just a name; it's a standard of quality
prema is a registered trademark of creative computer innovations
prema is a sister organisation to the arts centre
prema is the goal
prema is the effulgence of shanthi
prema is a more appropriate word than love
prema is an integrated concept for the promotion of environmental management designed for micro
prema is in a new avatar
prema is the heart and soul of sakhi
prema is exemplified in the mother’s love for her child
prema is one of the most innovative enterprises developing new technology and new fabrication concepts
prema is located in the industrial area of mainz
prema is what the individual and the nation must cultivate now for progress
prema is working with the bhabha atomic research centre's food technology division to give longer shelf
prema is currently taking the stage at traveller’s on fri and sat as well as doubling as traveller’s consultant director of environment and entertainment
prema is a full
prema is intense
prema is of the nature of nectar
prema is always complimented as a talented film star
prema is acting opposite sa
prema is the chief characteristic of the soul
prema is his only artha
prema is one of the laboratories in the school of mechanical & aerospace engineering
prema is a universal spiritual virtue that must be present on any spiritual path
prema is the very essence of our beloved
prema is het wezen zelf van onze geliefde gurudeva swami premananda
prema is a world renown classical indian temple dancer and teacher of tibetan buddhist practices who was inspired and given permission by lama tensen to dance
prema is very interesting and a bit weird
prema is now headquarterered in benin
prema is the back layer
prema is an interior designer and social worker
prema is working on a project entitled
prema is a two
prema is owner of trademark rights to the character pokey
prema is a cool girl who lives in topanga canyon
prema is a remake of kannada movie 'chandra mukhi
prema is a program developed about 15 years ago by iccrom
prema is the only means
prema is not something to brandish about and show off as the sahajiyas pretend to do
prema is very rare on this planet
prema is pure
prema is a small
prema is the primary attribute of a genuine vaisnava guru
prema is a frequent contributor of literary essays
prema is an international teacher and performer of sacred dance
prema is formidable
prema is a magazine published quarterly in england and distributed to gaudiya vaisnava devotees and aspirants to this path worldwide
prema is ultimately srimati radharani's maha
prema is a high fiber quality acala cultivar grown in california
prema is regarded as the fruition or culmination
prema is impressive
prema is a new methodological approach developed
prema is greater that his
prema is well suited for cleaning and grading seed and granulates
prema is he maha vadanyaya
prema is the ultimate goal of life
prema is a runtime system designed to minimize maintenance costs for very large
prema is love and premaswarupa is the embodiment of love
prema is unselfish love
prema is most unfortunate
prema is not at all common
prema is my swaroopa
prema is a unique
prema is the step to the spiritual goal
prema is the first two
prema is completely different from mundane desire
prema is that it will excite us more and more for service
prema is after a site called "pokey
prema is the dean of the school of education
prema is again offering a rebate program for box butte county irrigation consumers to help hold down costs of operating irrigation wells
prema is awakened
prema is his religion
prema is studying agricultural science
prema is the pure
prema is a senegal
prema is a swedish company within the hvac industry


sorry to keep you, my hypothetical readers, waiting for new & exciting updates from the wonderful world inside my head. been thinking a lot recently, which sometimes paralyses me and keeps me from producing anything. i used to call this "post-structural paralysis" when i diagnosed it in my friends at college - now i think it's just a sort of unhappy blend of indecisiveness, confusion, & lack of direction based on an astounding lack of self-knowledge & self-confidence... i think the definition still fits - i'm just less prone these days to using big words to describe simple experiences.

halloween was actually quite fun. i think it boils down to the idea that no matter what you're dressed as, you get the opportunity to go out on the streets & act like a fool - &/or watch everyone else go out on the streets & act like a fool - which is awfully fun, and only happens twice a year - halloween & new years' eve.

otherwise i've just been thinking. dangerous. trouble. i think i need to spend less time doing that, & more time seeing movies, reading books, & otherwise engaging in some effective thought-avoidance.

got my first official "correction" this morning, regarding my post of 30 october discussing the freedom of press listing from Reporters w/o borders:

"It's actually not true that theirs is the first index of press freedom...Freedom House has been publishing a far more comprehensive press freedom survey for years.  While RSF (Reportiers Sans Frontieres) only ranks countries numerically, we have a ranking scale that allows us to compare countries more accurately, as well as exposition on why countries received the ratings they did and what specifically has been going on there.  It's available online..."

danke amy.


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