ok so i've been negligent, so much so that a friend through which i got a lot of pageviews has taken me off his blog page. i guess that means i'm on the outs?
i still feel as though the personal & political & professional have merged & melted so much as to make my life a little un-writeable right now, at least in this context. not to mention that in general, there really isn't that much going on. i'm broke, tired, exhausted from spending large quantities of my limited energy stores on projects like appearing happy & relatively balanced to my peers, co-workers, family & friends.
yeah, i guess i'm depressed.
this is an interesting city & time to be depressed - it's the holidays, beautiful, amazing, it's been clear & cold & crisp for the last few days...& there are so many around me who are less fortunate than i. i mean, i may not have a job, but at least i have food & a place to sleep. i may not have a boyfriend or a lover, but at least i don't find myself in some sort of incredibly emotionally or physically abusive relationship. i feel as though i am actually beginning to have a relatively healthy exchange w/ my family, something that i believed for years would be pretty impossible, if only because of my own fucked-up perspective from inside my own ass.
i find that one of my deepest darkest fears is that of rejection / failure. though hardly unique, i am certain that we all have our own brands of paranoia & avoidance which manifest themselves when facing this particular circumstance...for me, i would rather _not_ confront something. that is - let it ride for as long as possible, so that the final experience of "so, hey, what's going on here" can usually be avoided in the face of more direct methods - like someone else telling me instead of me having to ask.
it also means that you don't have to worry about getting your courage up to confront/ask/do and being rejected, b/c the subsequent rejection/acceptance is pretty much expected at that point.
so, i hate it when i put myself out there & even though i'm expecting it, i get shat on anyway - b/c of course even if you know better, you nurture the possibility of being wrong & getting what you want against all odds.