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what a totally bizarre two days. i am finally beginning to feel as though i have a _life_ here in new york. & it's not just about going out, getting stupid w/ people - it's about feeling as though i live in this strange little town, doing my strange little thing...finding my space & place in this environment. & i feel more at home here than i have felt in a long time, anywhere - whether living in the town in which i grew up [which has categorically made me feel alienated & weird], in the city where my family lives [which has bad mojo oozing from the cracks in the sidewalk], or just being transient... it's also about feeling as though not only do i live here, but i _want_ to live here, to be here, amongst the drunks & the bums & the confused bizarro characters whom i encounter on a daily basis. it's about going to "work" every day & feeling like i'm _doing something_, despite the fact that i'm not getting paid. it's about taking a deep breath & knowing that i might actually be happier than i've been in a long time. not because everything is perfect - it's far from that - but because i know this place will challenge me in ways i never expected, make me feel comfortable in ways that i couldn't have guessed [it's done so already] - so that i will always be on my toes, but always certain that in a very specific way, i belong here. i may live to rue the day i wrote these words - but for tonight, this crisp fall evening in october 2002, i am happy i moved to new york. happy i took the risk of saying fuck all & bought a plane ticket, that i left what i thought i knew to come to what i know i love. *sigh*


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