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definitely more anxious now that “boy” is gone... when we lived together & he was my best friend & lover, he took very good care of me, both practically [by reminding me to pay my phone bill which i have now been carrying around in my bag for two days because i keep forgetting to put it in a mailbox] & seductively [telling me i’m beautiful & sexy no matter what i look like at any given moment because of who i am – an essentially good person who sometimes lets her priorities, goals, & methodologies get a bit marred by frustration, confusion & an utter lack of focus .]

for this & many other reasons, it was interesting to have him here & involved a bit in my “new” life. to share my escapades, apartment, favorite bars & restaurants with one whom i find such a simple comfort. i forgot how nice it is to go to bed with someone & know their body, their idiosyncrasies. he is one of the few people with whom i have found it easy to be naked. thusly, having him here was a bit retroactive, a bit reductive, a bit frustrating at times…but never bad.

now i have to re-focus myself on the daily quest. find a job, find a purpose, find something fun to do tonight that won’t cost me a shitload of money. find friends & lovers who challenge me without driving me insane. stop dating boys who already have girlfriends. spend more time reading, less time drinking, more time writing. it’s all so [in]tangible.

without painting myself as an incredible naïf, i really did think i’d find a job fairly quickly in New York. i’ve got a suitable amount of experience, i’m intelligent & interesting, & i have an ivy league degree. instead i’ve found myself being treated like some sort of grade-A beef, shuffled from temp agency to temp agency & pumped full of false promises about my qualifications, which result in my losing almost all hope of being qualified to do anything but get shuffled around from agency to agency. i’ve begun to wonder how long one has to spend at a particular coffee shop to be considered a “regular.” i’m anticipating my favorite season with a sort of dread, knowing that by most accounts if i don’t have a job by mid-October i’ll have to wait until the post-holiday hirings, & i just don’t think my savings will hold out that long.

i don’t like being a “downer,” boring & depressed. i like having other things to talk about aside from my finances & my general state of being… & i suppose again this is a thing about Joshua that is, well, good. because he made me laugh, out loud, at myself, at the world, at the ridiculousness of it all, all the time. without that laughter, i would have self-destructed a long time ago - & with it i can keep my head on my shoulders – separate the wheat from the chaff of my own self-conscious crap & maintain the confidence necessary to say fuck the bullshit and get it all done - & thus part of the re-focus is a bit of a shift – as is to be expected, you get so comfortable with someone & then you have to let them go, learn to do the things yourself they used to do with you & for you – so as much as he needs to learn to make himself dinner, i need to learn to take care of myself – to pay my bills, get myself off, feel good about who & what i am no matter what, & for all accounts let myself laugh on a regular basis, for fucks sake.


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